Run to Him by Hattie Wade

Author:Hattie Wade [Wade, Hattie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Independent
Published: 2023-01-26T13:00:00+00:00

Twenty One

June

I don’t know if I ever believed someone could love me. Not in a depressing way, just that everyone has always left. I think back and I’m pretty sure that’s why I’ve never dated before. In the past, I always put a wall up, not letting anyone in. Afraid if I did, I would get hurt. Like Allie says, I’ve tried and tried to control everything. Where has that gotten me? Well, it got me to senior year. However, I was afraid to make more friends, afraid people wouldn’t accept me, afraid people would misunderstand me. It had me wanting to experience love so bad but paralyzed by my fear of intimacy. I’m not even sure why Clay stood up for me in the hallway that day, but it must have been God’s plan because it changed the course of my life.

Here I am, laying on my bed, staring at the ceiling as Allie heats up the curling iron. About to go on a date with the Clay Cooley. My Clay Cooley. Love still feels scary. But just as Pastor Mitch brought up in youth group last week, sometimes being brave means doing it afraid. Being brave doesn’t mean you automatically become fearless. It means that no matter what, you push through the fear. Do it afraid.

I feel like that’s kind of what love is when you’re so afraid of intimacy. When you’re so afraid of being in love because that opens the door of being abandoned or hurt, love anyway. For the first time in my life, I’ve let go of the tight grip I have on every little detail of my well-planned life. Knowing that whatever comes, whatever the enemy intends for evil, God works for good. Opening myself up this semester to more friends, and this relationship, it’s really helped me give God ‘all my things’ and then take a step back and just say, ‘Okay Lord, I trust You.’ I’m incredibly happy, and I’m safe.

* * *

Clay said he was surprising me for our date. He told me to be ready by five, and he would come to pick me up. It’s three. Allie told me she was coming over to help me get dressed. I told her it didn’t take me that long to get ready. She exclaimed that it was my first date, so I needed to hush and let her have this moment with me. I didn’t protest. I’ve never learned how to do makeup, so I just don’t wear it. But I want to tonight. I silently wonder how old I’ll look with makeup on. If the gold glasses alone added on four years, imagine what makeup will do.

Allie went way over the top and went to the store. She picked out three outfits she thought were very ‘me’, and I was told to pick one for tonight. The one hanging on the back of my door is a winner. I also told her I’d love to curl my hair, as I’ve also never done anything exciting to my hair.

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